Why You Don't Feel 'Good Enough' - And What To Do About That!
Have you ever wondered why you don't feel good enough, and what you can do about that?
If you have, you are NOT alone
Many people come to therapy expressing a sense of not feeling 'good enough.'
Immediately I begin to wonder where they got these awful ideas about themselves that lead them to say things like:
"I'm rubbish at standing up for myself"
"I suck at boundaries"
"I'm my own worst enemy"
"I'm terrible at communicating"
The process of therapy has very little to do with making you into a 'better' version of yourself - you're already good enough.
If anything, therapy is about helping you realise that you are good enough, and you always have been.
If I'm already 'good enough' why do I feel so sh*t?
This is an excellent question.
If you don't feel good enough, then I suspect this idea has somehow been 'put into you,' that is, someone or something has probably given you an experience of yourself as being 'not good enough'
Somehow, this idea of your being 'not good enough' has taken root in your heart, and once it's in, it can be hard to dig it out.
What makes this even harder, though, is the shame that often accompanies feelings of not being 'good enough.'
Shame can be a bugger to manage.
Perhaps you feel to blame for these feelings of not being 'good enough?'
Maybe you feel that these feelings are a sign of a weak character or personal failing.
I can see why you might feel that way, but I sincerely doubt that it is true.
Society pushes us to reach for perfection...but somehow always feel not quite good enough
What breaks my heart & frankly, p*sses me off in my therapy work is encountering person after person who has been damaged by the relentless social message:
”Be yourself (No! not like that!)
We often tend to treat ourselves, our partners & our children like human bonsai trees - we try to prune, bend and stretch them into what we think the right shape will be, and wonder why things often go awry...
Here’s the thing....
You are not a bloody bonsai tree, ok?
But say, if you were were a little tree, planted in good soil, watered, fed and loved for your own sake, I imagine you would adopt a beautiful, natural shape all on your own, right?
I don’t know how the bonsai tree feels about being shaped, pruned, and wired into place.
I do know that people who have had other people shaping them via criticism, inflexible standards, or the giving and withholding love & approval, tend to become sad, ashamed people, who struggle to feel good enough, because they are often unable to identify their own:
Intrinsic Value
Needs
Wishes
Strengths
Values
Goals
Competencies
People who don’t grow up rooted in repeated experiences of their own innate worthiness tend to have:
Low self-esteem
Poor confidence
Wobbly personal boundaries
Complicated relationships
A persistent sense of dissatisfaction
Depression
Anxiety
You see where this is going, right?!
So these individuals pitch up for therapy, chock-full of self-loathing, asking me to tell them how to be ‘better’.
But the thing is, you can’t bully, hate or command yourself into a peaceful, happy & emotionally healthy place. (I know, because I really tried for years!!)
And so the work of unbonsai begins...
What the frilly heck is the 'work of 'unbonsai' ?
It's all the stuff we do in therapy to help you to realise and absorb the fact that you are already good enough.
It's about exploring all the stuff inside that makes you feel 'not good enough' and realising that most of it comes from outside of you.
That's the stuff that needs to go!
It feels counterintuitive at first, after so many years of being told people will only love and accept you when you’re:
Richer
More successful
Thinner
More toned
Better qualified
More beautiful
Taller
Shorter
etc
So, if you're not quite ready to take on this notion of already being worthy, that's ok.
I can hold your worth for you, and nurture it and point it out to you as we go, until you are ready to take it on and really connect to it.
It takes time - but it's worth the wait, because there are few things more beautiful in this world than watching a previously hurt and self-loathing, 'not good enough' human being begin to soften, relax into themselves and start to bloom.
Maybe one thing more beautiful - because realising that you were always good enough is a pretty damn fine experience too!
Ok, so how do I start to feel good enough?
Well, maybe keep an eye on the harsh criticism you level at yourself.
Before you subject yourself to the next barrage of negative self-talk, punishing exercise regimes or a crippling helping of mum-guilt, I’d like to warmly invite you to pause.
See if you can take a minute to soften that hard-line stance.
If you want to feel better, the smart move is to start to cultivate self love, self compassion and small moments of joy, right now.
Not because I tell you to, but because you naturally:
Want
Need
Deserve
all of that good stuff, right now, just as you are.
I don't think I can do it alone...
Most people need a little help with this stuff at some point - I certainly did!
If you fancy looking into getting some support, I’m right here, working online and over the phone.
I offer everyone who is interested in working with me a free initial 60 minute chat.
It's not a therapy session, it's an opportunity for you to tell me a little about what's going on for you, to ask me any questions you might have about what happens in a therapy session, how I work, how it can help plus anything else you want to know.
By the end of our time together, you should have a good idea of whether or not I'm someone you can really talk to.
Why not book your free chat now and let’s find out if I’m someone who can help you feel better.
But whether you book in or not, please remember that you are already 'good enough' right now, Bridget Jones stylee - i.e. 'just as you are.'
You may not FEEL it, but your worthiness exists.
It's there.
And you CAN get in touch with it, if you want to, with the right support.
Self-Love Quiz
Self-love is the foundation of mental health, which is why I created the self-love quiz – to help you measure you self-love level & help you learn how to improve your mental health, so that you can create a happier, more satisfying life!
