How Your Inner Critic Can F*ck Things Up - And What To Do About It
I've been hearing a lot of people chat about their inner critic lately - you know, the voice in your head that tells you:
You can't do that!
Who do you think you are?!
If you try, you'll fail - better not bother!
You just don't have it in you!
You're rubbish at that!
Ah yes, the inner critic, burster-of creative-balloons, internal-saboteur-supereme!
It's the voice that can pop up almost as soon as you aspire to something outside your comfort zone - something aspirational, exciting or world-expanding.
Then before you know it - BAM!
It rains all over your attempted parade.
You decide to leave it.
Your initial enthusiasm stalls.
“That’s for other people - brighter, luckier, more confident people” you tell yourself.
And you go back to scrolling on social media, or Netflix or whatever.
Uncomfortable change averted.
So what? What happens if I let the Inner Critic Do Its Thing?
Great question!
I guess that what happens is… nothing.
Nothing happens.
Your great idea never sees the light of day.
You don’t put yourself out there and start that new hobby you always wanted to try.
You give up on that relationship rather than risk a new approach (and always wonder if things could have been different…)
You don’t build that business.
You don’t foster that child.
You don’t run 5K.
You don’t look up that friend and see if you can reconnect.
Status quo is maintained.
It’s all very comfort-zoney.
Which is cosy, up to a point.
If Nothing Changes, Nothing Changes
Things can become rather stagnant where change can’t happen.
You get that ‘stuck’ feeling.
Nothing bad happens.
But there’s not a lot of room for good things to happen either.
You find you are now reliant on others for the things you want or need.
They have to happen to you.
As you have decided not to create them yourself.
Because the voice of your inner critic talked you out of it before you could work up some courage to go for it.
This is how your inner critic can f*ck things up… luckily there is something you can do about it.
"But what can I do about that voice? It's feels impossible to shift it - it’s always been there!”
Learning to challenge the inner critic can feel really hard, even pointless - but can actually be quite a game-changer, if you can just stick with it!
In part I think it can feel hard to counter the claims of the inner critic because to even think about responding to that voice, you have to notice that it’s saying something.
Many of us are so used to the voice of our inner critic that we assume it should be there, and we mistake its confidence for the ring of truth.
And there may be elements of truth to what it says.
That's what makes it so believable.
But actually, it’s rarely telling you the whole truth.
Your inner critic could just be a negative habit
Chances are the real problem is that you are in the habit of being hard on yourself & seeing things negatively.
Habits can be hard to change - but with patience & continued effort, it can be done!
"Where does the inner critic come from?"
It seems likely that you got these negative habits, this harsh inner critic, from the voices of carers & other authority figures and/or peers in your early life.
If you were often told that you were:
Too shy
Not clever enough
Have no follow-through
Not as good as your sibling
Incompetent etc.
Then that message got into you, and became bound up with your sense of self.
That's not how it's supposed to be.
But that IS sometimes how it goes.
We are designed to create things like self-belief, self-worth and self-esteem from positive feedback that we get from parents and carers.
But sometimes that's not what you get.
And instead of lovely, warm, encouraging reviews, and constructive feedback that builds you up, you get panned, leaving you feeling undermined, ineffectual and properly sad.
You didn't and do not deserve that
I’m sorry that you didn’t have someone popping lovely, shiny, encouraging words into your psyche.
That’s what you deserved then & it’s what you deserve now.
It's not too late to run interference with your negative Nellie.
"Really? How - my inner critic seems so well-established!"
Let’s start growing a more soothing, positive inner cheerleader, ok?
For example, when you catch yourself spewing the inner critics propaganda, you can counter it with something more positive.
So, for example, if you find yourself saying:
I always screw up
You can counter by saying:
Actually that's not true, I do screw up sometimes, but I don't ALWAYS screw up - no one does.
I'm so stupid
Can become:
I may not catch onto new information as quickly as I would like but I am not stupid.
And predictions like:
It'll never work
Can be countered with:
Even the best plans need often need to be refined - if it doesn't work, then I'll adjust it until it does work!
That sounds super-hokey - how could that ever work?
I hear you, I do. I thought exactly the same as you.
And then one day, I tried it out of sheer desperation. And I noticed that I started to become less hard on myself and more optimistic.
It took time. It's not a miracle, 'finger-snap' trick or hack.
But whenever you say something, your unconscious mind is listening.
If you say a lot of crap about yourself, to your self, you take it on at a deeper level.
A bit like how advertising works, I'd imagine.
We think we aren't affected.
But big companies don't spend that kind of money on marketing for it not to work.
It works.
So consider changing the negative jingles you're playing to and about yourself all day, every day.
What's the worst that could happen?
If it doesn't work, then fine. It's bullsh*t.
But if it does work...well...maybe you could start doing more of the things you always wished you could.
And perhaps you could start to feel better about yourself, the way you deserve to feel - worthy, confident and more optimistic.
I’m not saying that’s all it takes.
We are designed for relationship with others - we are meant to grow through healthy relationships and where that doesn’t happen, we become hurt through unhealthy relationships.
This is one way to start repairing the relationship you have with yourself.
But really, we are not designed to fix this stuff on our own…
Would you like some help with that?
If you’d like some help with this stuff, maybe we could chat?
Therapy is a relationship-based method of healing the parts of your psyche that have taken in bad ideas or beliefs about itself. Counselling provides you with the opportunity to experience unconditional positive regard - to experience a relationship in which the other person is always ‘for you’, is always willing to think well of you, believes in you and wants the best for you (whatever you decide that is.)
I offer everyone a free initial chat, so that you can tell me a bit about yourself and what’s going on for you, ask me any questions you might have, and find out more about how the way I work can help you.
If that sounds useful, book your free hour now and let’s see if we can help you feel better about yourself, and in so doing, create positive, lasting change in your life.
Take care,
Ali xx
Self-Love Quiz
Self-love is the foundation of mental health, which is why I created the self-love quiz – to help you measure you self-love level & help you learn how to improve your mental health, so that you can create a happier, more satisfying life!
