An ADHDer In Love - How I Stopped Rejection Sensitivity From Wrecking My Relationship

Until recently, I had been managing my ADHD so well that my RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria,) had hardly raised its head the last 5 years or so. I was no longer cut to the quick by criticism, mortified by my every mistake, endlessly paranoid that other people secretly hated me and I was seldom if ever given to over-analysing things people said, interpreting them in the worst possible light (yes, that’s what RSD gets you doing if you’re not careful, it SUCKS!)

I am still ADHD, so I still forget what I’m doing mid-task; struggle to focus on things that bore me; lack attention to detail; talk too fast, too loud and too much at times; procrastinate when I find tasks overwhelming; hyper-focus on whatever activity I’m mad about at the moment and listen to the same audiobooks 92 million times - but RSD seemed dormant - until recently…

But then, after 8 years of being very happily single I recently met someone amazing, and suddenly, my RSD rushed to the forefront of my consciousness and my peace of mind fled. I was on a pendulum that swung between dizzying happiness and abject fear and paranoia, and although I quickly realised what was happening and why, I also realised with dismay that there wasn’t a lot I could do about it except try to ride it out…

What’s It Like To Experience Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria?

I can’t speak for anyone else, but in this instance, in my mind’s eye my RSD is a crazy little chihuahua that lives in my head, who very quickly becomes scared and angry when something good happens, because she’s afraid that someone or something will corrupt or destroy that good thing and she’ll be left with nothing if she doesn’t act quickly. She is used to being told she’s not good enough; used to feeling like a weirdo, a reject; to being dubbed ‘lazy’; used to feeling rejected, not good enough and to working twice as hard to break even compared to everyone else. So, this little pup is very quick to paranoia, to see insult and injury where none exists and to try to prevent herself from feeling disappointed, sad and rejected.

Unfortunately, her impulsive pre-emptive strikes and protective agitations tend to create the very losses she is so terrified of experiencing. RSD is an internal saboteur, the tiny, rabid, canine queen of bitter self-fulfilling prophecy.

It’s a tricky situation…

How Do You Manage RSD?

Here’s where the story gets more positive.

Happily, I discovered that since my last stint in the grip of rejection sensitivity, I have developed the capacity to abstain from acting rashly (usually), and cultivated the ability to hold that destructive, TERRIFIED little part of myself by the scruff of her neck until the feelings to act unwisely pass. On the outside, I’m pretty sure I looked calm and composed. I held therapy sessions, I parented, I walked my dogs, I messaged my girlfriend, all with (I hope) relative and apparent equanimity.

Years of therapy, excellent clinical supervision,  judicious use of a few wise friends and ADHD management practices that I diligently adhere to at all times allowed me to prevent (and hopefully will continue to prevent,) my rejection sensitivity from trashing this new relationship.

I now have a kind but firm inner voice that holds my worst case scenario imaginings in check and insists that if I am going to picture the worst, I must balance that with conjuring the best case scenarios too. It helpfully reminds me that the reality of a situation is likely to be somewhere in between those. This is a voice that soothes me and calms me until the scared little pup inside stops struggling toward destruction and goes limp.

And at that point I am ready to have a sensible conversation and talk to my girlfriend about any worries I have, rather than acting as if the projections of my own fears are real and blowing up the best thing to happen to me in a LONG time. And guess what? When I talk to her, things are generally pretty easily sorted out.

Who knew?

Talking helps!

So, you might be wondering why I am sharing all this?

I am telling you this because I want everyone to know that while ADHD and its demons, like RSD, can be managed with meds, therapy, ADHD coaching and a bespoke maintenance plan, it NEVER goes away - it requires CONSTANT emotional effort and vigilance, and without the right support it can be absolutely debilitating.

RSD in particular can make it feel difficult - sometimes impossible - to make and keep friends, jobs, romantic relationships and good mental health. And although it’s true that ‘we all feel like this sometimes,’ for an ADHDer, these feelings are way more visceral and overpowering than neurotypical people can possibly imagine.

And even more importantly, I want you to know that you can be supported to manage your ADHD, and although you can’t make it go away, you can empower yourself to get support and help to make sure it doesn’t ruin your life.

Now, of course, my relationship is in its early stages, I can still f*ck it up 100 ways from Tuesday, and maybe I will (or she will, or it just won’t work out) - but I’m going to try really hard not to - the only person I can control (at least in theory,) is me, and so that’s my focus - doing what I can, and giving myself grace when I can’t cut the mustard - and I warmly invite you to treat yourself in a similarly gentle fashion!

Lots of love to you all (especially my ADHD peeps,)

Ali xxx